Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
🤭😂
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.