I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.