The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀