Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…