I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Ain’t no way
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on