“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
he was correct
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”