even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume