My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
getting groceries
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer