6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.