The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!