WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.