Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.