Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.