I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.