That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape