Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting