The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.