They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination