My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Shoo shoo! 😂
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best