You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My favorite farside!!
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?