Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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What’s so funny?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.