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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?