major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Note to self: always read the final line
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer