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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I’ve been drinking.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.