[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
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Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
craving $300 all of a sudden
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.