Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.