[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.