Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”