I have two kinds of followers
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i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out