“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I unironically love this joke.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving