Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.