[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.