My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.