You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur