If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me