A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
What is going on? 😅
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.