50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Banderslack Clamberdorch
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.