Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You Might Also Like
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I think I’ll stand
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand