Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*