dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
LMAO.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”