Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
So inspired right now.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…