Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*