I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂