Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.