India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Anyone want a chair?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.