I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You Might Also Like
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator