$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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That’s easy for you to say
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood