Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”