ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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S O O N
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
IT’S-A ME,
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
s
oc
i
a
l
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”