I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
mood
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.